Being back in Texas a few weeks ago brought my straight back to my time spent there with the US National Team as part of our 2004 Olympic campaign. So many good (and painful) memories were made in that city and at the track that it was hard not to get a little emotional during my short weekend there. Afterwards I was instantly motivated to write a post about my time there. But to really tell the story correctly I have to start from the beginning which was the fall of 2003...
In the fall of 2003 I had just wrapped up a long, and in a lot of ways over done, junior racing career. I could honestly say my year at 16 was my "best". I feel as though I was faster than ever then and untouchable. After winning the 17-18 sprints at 16, re-breaking my 4th national record and generally looking like a favorite for the Junior Worlds the next season. But with that performance in 2001 came the expectation that I needed to perform to those standards in 2002 or else I would be a failure. I had always had expectations on me like that and I had always managed to handle them with success. But the increased pressure from my self and and everyone around me compounded exponentially and left me unmotivated more than believing in myself. I felt this pressure the most from the source closest to me, my parents. I understand parents having a confidence and belief in that their kid is the best ever at everything they do. But my parents, especially my mother, were out of control. She had a psychotic obsession with needing to try and control everything my sister and I did. Her neurotic actions and personality made our lives on and off the bike feel like an inescapable prison that instantaneously sucked any of the joy out of our performances on the bike. But this increase in pressure for my 17-18 years made it unbearable. My years in the 17-18 category were supposed to be the culmination of 6 years of dedicated work to the singular purpose of becoming Junior World Champion. Instead they were spent dreaming of a life involving anything other than cycling and trying to avoid the constant badgering of the things I "needed" to be doing or worrying about.
Long story short, after breaking my collar bone in 2002 at 17 and finishing 2nd to Mark French (who would later be banned in 2004 for his association to performance enhancing drugs - yes I still feel like the title from 2 years before that should have been mine, but everyone is innocent till proven guilty) from Australia in the keirin at 2002 Junior Worlds, I would go on to 2003 with hopes of winning the keirin at my final Junior Worlds. Instead came home with a 4th place even more disappointed than the previous year and I was left feeling like my entire junior campaign had been a failure. I was done. I just wanted out and away from cycling. The dream of being a "normal" kid was overwhelming. I wanted to go away to college and take some time off the bike. But the 2004 Olympic campaign was beginning and my parents gave me the standard "just a few more months" line. Which was usually followed by a threat to take my car privileges away, or to not pay for my college or other necessities and to make me take on all the financial logistics (car, place to live, cell phone, food, education, etc) of adulthood at 18. A responsibility that seemed overwhelming if I wanted to have cycling involved in my life at all. But at times the prospect of freedom seemed so enticing that I would begin to commit to the path to freedom, only to be beaten down and chastised, being made to believe that I was incapable of such responsibilities. Leaving me with what felt like no other option but to rely on them and bend to their wishes.
A disturbingly sick trend that continued well into my adulthood until I pulled the pin for the safety net and jumped. Parents need to empower their kids decisions and goals. But there is a difference between empowering and enabling/coddling kids as there is also a fine line between assisting with instruction and making decisions for their kids. I acknowledge that it's a delicate balance that is undoubtedly one of the most difficult things for a parent to manage. Especially parents with elite caliber athletes. Looking back it's incredibly frustrating to me that I let such a cycle continue for so long but what it forced me to learn to be very methodical and calculating when it came to making big life moves. Which is what allowed me to finally break the cycle and move to LA to chase my Olympic dream for Rio 2016 without the fear of failing. It also taught me that at the end of the day, if you really believe in something and want it bad enough, it will always work out. Just never give up and keep moving forward. But back to how this all blends into my Olympic journey...
After missing out on another medal at Junior Worlds I returned home and began preparing for my start to college. At my parent's instruction I gave up going to Penn State main campus and settled instead for the satellite campus in the Lehigh Valley. This way I could "stick to my training", which really meant my parents could more closely monitor my activities. I was semi ok with it though because it put off having to go before the national team coach Andrezj Bek with zero motivation to ride. I was invited to join the team in San Diego at the Olympic training center in the middle of the fall but had turned it down using starting college as my excuse. Truth be told though this was this the worst possible thing for my training. After nearly 3 years of wanting a break the continued pressure made me want to get away from the bike more than anything. In all actuality, I barely trained those fall and winter months. I made excuse after excuse about why I couldn't train and used the need to train as an excuse to push off school work. It was a pretty nasty cycle that I hid from everyone around me.
The only saving grace was collegiate track cycling nationals. They were early in the semester in Indianapolis and I had two fantastic team mates in Bobby Lea and Mike Friedman that helped to make the trip motivational and a success in many ways (I'll be sure to make a full post about trip in the future). The most positive aspect of the whole trip though was that it was fun. I won the sprints and we won the team pursuit (yes team pursuit!) with only 3 riders and me sitting on the whole time, but the college level racing showed me again that cycling was supposed to be fun. Getting away from my parents for the trip was a eye opening experience as well. If it hadn't been for coach Jim Young, Bobby and Mike taking me on that trip I might never had made it to January...